30 Oct 2005, sunday
slept at 3.30am, woke up at 7 (pre-DST) or 8, current time. f&*k - lost one hour of sleep. need to pretend i got 5 when i only got 4 hrs sleep. the following is pretty much automatic writing, just going with the flow and not subjected to my usual hours of pain selecting the right phrases and weighing the nuance of individual words. fuck style, this is all content. from mah brain to mah fingers. [music: keyboard player starts playing in-a-gadda-da-vida like that Simpson's episode where Bart distributes those R.Ron Butterfly hymn sheets at church]
had the weirdest dream this morning.
was having drinks with johnny howard and a few guys at the pub. we were going into this separate section for drinks but johnny didn't go in, but he had one drink, toasted me along with some other guys and left after that. i remember in the dream thinking if i should criticise him or attack his record over drinks at the pub but decided not to. seemingly following some rule of etiquette about not criticising a guest at one's own celebrations. he was probably a teacher in the school, because in the scene b4 that. the guys along for drinks seem to include some guys from my real-life contiki tour that we went on hour honeymoon. i recognise among them jaydyn, the wild party animal who could drink like a fish. strangely, him and some others are already in the separate area, and inexplicably, i see them from an elevated position, as i could see over the partition dividing them from the main pub. there is a door on the left of this permanent wooden partition. i possibly could have been on the mezzanine, but there is no part of the dream where i am actually present there. it's more like a view from a movie camera, where it gets lifted by the mechanism for those wide tracking shots showing the countryside or overall view of an area, like the sequence showing a view of the train station platforms in harry potter. before i am at the pub...
i'm at some form of school assembly, perhaps a graduation of sorts. i come in late to the event, having arrived from my faraway trip, and feel like some big reward or acknowledgement is going to be made with me going to the front. i was expecting this to come after the event, and that i was to go to the front to make a speech. however, the event closes, and me and C are going through my cds in my woven cloth backpack trying to find he right song, to be played either in the background of the speech or as i walk on, but i can't seem to find it or figure ou what the perfect song is. suddenly it seems he's made the choice, and its a song with a u2-like intro (i rmembver thinking hmm.. "is this U2?" can't remember if it was a u2 song. chimey solo guitar riff ala-streets have no name or beautiful day, but a different song i think)... don't remember if my relatives are at the event at all, but in the scene b4 this...
my relatives are at the elevator, waiting for me to get in. it feels like we were all just visiting this place, probably a province far away. i feel that auntie T and family are among those relos in the left. i meanwhile, am around the corner saying goodbye to two women. one at a time. i distinctly remember kissing one of them, long and deep. i remember thinking she has a small mouth. it's not a kiss of commitment, but more one of unrequited love, a kiss as a poor substitute for all the moments that we would never have, could never have. it's a kiss to say: this is what we could have been had our roads diverged earlier and met up, before being irrevocably set in their present paths. here is what you could have had, and more. it's a kiss that in a different version of our respective histories would have promised much more. instead it is all we would ever really have. business cards are handed over, emails are confirmed, as are phone numbers. but it will never be as it should be, or could be. what could now only be a friendship from afar will not burn the same, will not give the same pleasure. she has small lips, and a narrow face. i don't actually remember the whole that these remembered features are comprising. it's not a whole face i remember, just body parts. i don't remember her cleavage or what her body is like below her neck. the face is all i am focused on, but i still don't remember all of it. those lips i devour to make up for all the other goodbye kisses that we will never have.
another of the countless forks in the road that i could have but did not take.
with the one i don't kiss, i remember she seems the more subservient one. no, not subservient, but seeemingly one who'd want to take more care of me than the one that i do kiss, who seems to be a target of my greater lust. this one would be more inclined to try to please me, do favours i ask of her. the one i don't kiss looks more plain, actually looking like RZ from an old encounter in Cebu, but i don't remember if it was her exactly. again, it seems a relationship doomed to future musings about what could have been, how things may have turned out if i had gone right instead of left. how we would have enjoyed each other in ways deeper and far more meaningful than our brief turn as passers-by in each others lives. the one i don't kiss is preparing some papers , or is it letters or writing down some contact details. but as far as i remember, i never held her in my arms, or leave the one that i kiss.
i dont' remember any of their names, or even if i said them at all in the dream. i remember seeing a URL or an email address on one of the business cards. the word "condon" is all that remains in my head, a domain name in one address.
then i woke up to the sound of rain starting, and our rush to get the washing off the clothes line before they're soaked and ruined. such a good day yesterday but we didn't get the washing off the line. now we've got humid, ambiguous weather, threatening a downpour but not delivering. drips and drabs - "manaka-nakang pag-ulan", as filipino weather forecasts would say. we get the washing onto a portable clothes hanger under the roof of our backyard veranda, and maybe they'll dry off to be useable this week, and not stink the hell up.
this is the first dream i've written down quickly. i wonder if i should leave my pc on. doing a cold start on the fucking pc just takes too long, and i'll forget it all while waiting for xp to become useable once i log in. maybe i should keep a notebook, but then i'd have to transcribe it to put it online. dont' know if this should go on blogger or in another, more secret website.
maybe i should get an ibook, to remain in standby mode for quick pick up and use. i've recommended it to a relative, but still can't dish out the $$$ to buy one. aah, forever collecting postcards of Apple products and being a mere wannabe. sad.