video games. This was just made clear and stark to me during my
attempts at playing Guitar Hero III on the Wii. I will just have to
admit defeat and shout it out loud to the world - I SUCK at this.
Whether this is reflective of my lack of musical ability, or just lack
of hand eye coordination in general is beside the point. I wanted to
kick ass, and instead got the can of whup ass poured and spread all
over me like that time in Thailand when we were on that deserted
island, and this girl... oops...
I tried, Ma, I really tried. I haven't even gone past Easy level.
I've played Hit Me With Your Best Shot and Slow Ride umpteen times,
but I still can't get 100% note coverage. I played Cherub Rock, one of
my ultimate ever rock anthems, over and over and over again, and
eventually managed to get around 48,000. Then my 17-yr. old brother
comes along, who's never heard the song before, plays it for the first
time and gets 42,000. It's just not fair.
I absolutely love these songs on Guitar Hero III: Cherub Rock,
Paranoid, Kool Thing, Cult of Personality, Welcome to the Jungle,
Bulls on Parade. These alone are worth the price of admission. But
they don't seem to love me back. Shouldn't you get extra points if
the guitar controller detects your enormous, all-enveloping,
tingling-through-every-fiber-of-your-being worship of these songs?
Shouldn't a score multiplier apply when it sees that you've had them
on repeat in Winamp for like, forever? That you've annoyed countless
friends (okay, all three of them) when you sang along in the car and
you also *sing the guitar solos*? What, they didn't install that
It's pre-midlife crisis therapy for those of us who can't afford the
Harley or Ferrari. Pretending to be a golden god, struggling with your
own limitations in the harsh face of anonymity. Maybe you've already
missed the fucking bus. Maybe it's too late to be somebody significant
to anyone but your immediate kin. All you can do is pick up the
plastic Les Paul, shake your hips doing the Axl Rose snake dance, and
get the led out using Star Power.