Dream - goodbyes to two ex-future girlfriends, graduation day, john howard at the pub

30 Oct 2005, sunday

slept at 3.30am, woke up at 7 (pre-DST) or 8, current time. f&*k - lost one hour of sleep. need to pretend i got 5 when i only got 4 hrs sleep. the following is pretty much automatic writing, just going with the flow and not subjected to my usual hours of pain selecting the right phrases and weighing the nuance of individual words. fuck style, this is all content. from mah brain to mah fingers. [music: keyboard player starts playing in-a-gadda-da-vida like that Simpson's episode where Bart distributes those R.Ron Butterfly hymn sheets at church]

had the weirdest dream this morning.

was having drinks with johnny howard and a few guys at the pub. we were going into this separate section for drinks but johnny didn't go in, but he had one drink, toasted me along with some other guys and left after that. i remember in the dream thinking if i should criticise him or attack his record over drinks at the pub but decided not to. seemingly following some rule of etiquette about not criticising a guest at one's own celebrations. he was probably a teacher in the school, because in the scene b4 that. the guys along for drinks seem to include some guys from my real-life contiki tour that we went on hour honeymoon. i recognise among them jaydyn, the wild party animal who could drink like a fish. strangely, him and some others are already in the separate area, and inexplicably, i see them from an elevated position, as i could see over the partition dividing them from the main pub. there is a door on the left of this permanent wooden partition. i possibly could have been on the mezzanine, but there is no part of the dream where i am actually present there. it's more like a view from a movie camera, where it gets lifted by the mechanism for those wide tracking shots showing the countryside or overall view of an area, like the sequence showing a view of the train station platforms in harry potter. before i am at the pub...

i'm at some form of school assembly, perhaps a graduation of sorts. i come in late to the event, having arrived from my faraway trip, and feel like some big reward or acknowledgement is going to be made with me going to the front. i was expecting this to come after the event, and that i was to go to the front to make a speech. however, the event closes, and me and C are going through my cds in my woven cloth backpack trying to find he right song, to be played either in the background of the speech or as i walk on, but i can't seem to find it or figure ou what the perfect song is. suddenly it seems he's made the choice, and its a song with a u2-like intro (i rmembver thinking hmm.. "is this U2?" can't remember if it was a u2 song. chimey solo guitar riff ala-streets have no name or beautiful day, but a different song i think)... don't remember if my relatives are at the event at all, but in the scene b4 this...

my relatives are at the elevator, waiting for me to get in. it feels like we were all just visiting this place, probably a province far away. i feel that auntie T and family are among those relos in the left. i meanwhile, am around the corner saying goodbye to two women. one at a time. i distinctly remember kissing one of them, long and deep. i remember thinking she has a small mouth. it's not a kiss of commitment, but more one of unrequited love, a kiss as a poor substitute for all the moments that we would never have, could never have. it's a kiss to say: this is what we could have been had our roads diverged earlier and met up, before being irrevocably set in their present paths. here is what you could have had, and more. it's a kiss that in a different version of our respective histories would have promised much more. instead it is all we would ever really have. business cards are handed over, emails are confirmed, as are phone numbers. but it will never be as it should be, or could be. what could now only be a friendship from afar will not burn the same, will not give the same pleasure. she has small lips, and a narrow face. i don't actually remember the whole that these remembered features are comprising. it's not a whole face i remember, just body parts. i don't remember her cleavage or what her body is like below her neck. the face is all i am focused on, but i still don't remember all of it. those lips i devour to make up for all the other goodbye kisses that we will never have.

another of the countless forks in the road that i could have but did not take.

with the one i don't kiss, i remember she seems the more subservient one. no, not subservient, but seeemingly one who'd want to take more care of me than the one that i do kiss, who seems to be a target of my greater lust. this one would be more inclined to try to please me, do favours i ask of her. the one i don't kiss looks more plain, actually looking like RZ from an old encounter in Cebu, but i don't remember if it was her exactly. again, it seems a relationship doomed to future musings about what could have been, how things may have turned out if i had gone right instead of left. how we would have enjoyed each other in ways deeper and far more meaningful than our brief turn as passers-by in each others lives. the one i don't kiss is preparing some papers , or is it letters or writing down some contact details. but as far as i remember, i never held her in my arms, or leave the one that i kiss.

i dont' remember any of their names, or even if i said them at all in the dream. i remember seeing a URL or an email address on one of the business cards. the word "condon" is all that remains in my head, a domain name in one address.

then i woke up to the sound of rain starting, and our rush to get the washing off the clothes line before they're soaked and ruined. such a good day yesterday but we didn't get the washing off the line. now we've got humid, ambiguous weather, threatening a downpour but not delivering. drips and drabs - "manaka-nakang pag-ulan", as filipino weather forecasts would say. we get the washing onto a portable clothes hanger under the roof of our backyard veranda, and maybe they'll dry off to be useable this week, and not stink the hell up.

this is the first dream i've written down quickly. i wonder if i should leave my pc on. doing a cold start on the fucking pc just takes too long, and i'll forget it all while waiting for xp to become useable once i log in. maybe i should keep a notebook, but then i'd have to transcribe it to put it online. dont' know if this should go on blogger or in another, more secret website.

maybe i should get an ibook, to remain in standby mode for quick pick up and use. i've recommended it to a relative, but still can't dish out the $$$ to buy one. aah, forever collecting postcards of Apple products and being a mere wannabe. sad.

Favourite Gigs of All Time

Not in any particular order. Subject to further editing and exaggeration as time goes by.

1. The Polyphonic Spree - Enmore Theatre, January 2005

2. Prince - Sydney Entertainment Centre, December 2003. My ultimate Prince concert comes true after almost 20 years. He played his 80s hits, including those from Purple Rain! Arrived at the venue to buy a ticket, and was approached by these two girls wanting to sell her dancefloor ticket! It was my lucky night. Now it would've been an even luckier night if it also meant her friend would keep me company before, during, and after the gig. Hoo-wah.

There were people onstage who apparently paid about A$1000 to watch his Princeliness up close, watching the gig from the back, near where the drummer was sitting or from the side, and turned into impromptu backup dancers.

Larry Johnson (bassist of Sly and the Family Stone) came onstage during one of his extended encores/jams. Apparently, they're both Jehovah's Witnesses.

3. Sleater-Kinney - Gaelic Club, December 2002 - It was the first time I heard "You're No Rock and Roll Fun", which is actually the funnest song with Rock and Roll in the title. Corrin is simply hot.

4. Lou Reed - Enmore Theatre, October 2003 - sure, he had his tai-chi instructor onstage, and you just had to stop from laughing cos it's LOU! They did an amazing Venus in Furs with a wild woman on the viola! And Anthony came on stage and sang Candy Says. Beat that, sucka.

5. Kylie Minogue - Sydney Entertainment Centre, 2002 - Fever tour - shiny, shiny, shiny. I just can't get Can't Get You Out Of My Head video out of my head. Actually, I can. I just think of the Spinning Around video, with the gold hot pants. Baby got back. She had robots and a UFO onstage!

6. Elvis Costello & Steve Nieve - Her Majesty's Theatre, 18 Feb 1999 - see review at http://www.general.uwa.edu.au/u/dpannell/music/ecrev3.htm

7. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - State Theatre, November 1997. Everyone has to hear Nick and the gang play The Mercy Seat. Maybe accompanied by shouts of "Death! Death! Death!" every few minutes. It's your patriotic duty, Aussies!

8. The Prodigy - Metro Theatre, (August?) 1997. At the end of the night I was wringing sweat out of my t-shirt. They were that good.

9. second Big Day Out - Sydney Showground, January 1993 - with Mudhoney, Sonic Youth, Nick Cave, Iggy Pop.

The ground was muddy from a little rain, so they had plywood boards for people to stand in the grandstand(?). It was still slippery though, so we rushed away from the mosh to avoid falling down and getting trampled during Mudhoney's set.

It wasn't the last act of the night, if my memory is right, but the highlight of the day was seeing all these people on the main stage playing "I Wanna Be Your Dog". Nick was running around on stage, carrying Iggy on his back!

Also memorable for the giant inflatable monkey set up near the main stage, with it's bare ass showing the words "Baby Got Back". I guess that was in lieu of Sir Mixx-a-Lot as headliner. Oh the possiblities!

10. first Big Day Out - Sydney Showground, January 1992 - with Beasts of Bourbon, Violent Femmes, Nirvana. I didn't know the words to Smells Like Teen Spirit, so I had to make them up while singing along with 10,000 people at the Hordern Pavillion. When the lights out, ini-tage-yash! Here we ornah, Ene-tay-shah! I feel stupid, and container! Here we ornah, Anastacia!

11. The White Stripes - Enmore Theatre, Oct 2003. Extremely memorable not just for the insane bluesy rawk action at the gig, but earlier in the evening, while we were at a Thai restaurant, Meg walked in with two friends, and sat at the table beside us!

I had my copy of SPIN with her and Jack on the cover, I had my silver pen, I had my Ixus camera in my bag. It was fate man, fate! I never buy SPIN anymore, but that morning I got a copy thinking, "Hey wouldn't it be cool if i hung out at the theatre exit and wait to get an autograph?" Maybe Jack can shake my hand and I'll be as good as he is on geetar. But I only took the magazine with me on the very very slim chance that I'd get to see them up close.

And there it was, staring me in the face. This was my chance. But I chickened out. I thought I'd be cool and not disturb them while eating.

Wuss. Loser. When did being nonchalant and acting like you don't care when you really OMG OMG OMG it's her it's her it's her love this fucking band so much it hurts. When did irony, not feeling, distancing, and all this post-moderny rubbish become "cool". Self denial is never cool! (yes, I'm Catholic) "Cool" is getting near Meg White, maybe touching her soft, alabaster skin as I shake her hand, or maybe give her a hug (it gets lonely in a band of two) and feeling her ample bosom touching my chest as I whisper a soft moan in her ear and she whispers back... err... or maybe just an autograph and a picture.

London, Oct 2004

 
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